Stop This Train.

Babystar visited the Emergency Room this week.

She was scared but very brave and very very sweet.

Babystar just wanted to make sure that I would hold her the whole time at the doctor’s office. I promised that I would. We first went to Urgent Care because Babystar had not peed in twenty-four hours. And she had a fever for about half of that time. AND I gave her a choice of peeing or going to the doctor and she told me that she didn’t want to pee. So into the car we went.

Ok, technically she had not peed in twenty-three and a half hours, but Urgent Care closes at seven and the co-pay difference is $300. And since we just moved here, Babystar does not yet have a pediatrician. That changes today, by the way.

(Anyone in Boulder have a pediatrician recommendation pretty please?)

The doctors and nurses at Foothills ER were all very very nice but they definitely underestimated the strength of my little ToddlerMonster. Since she had not peed, there was concern of a possible UTI or other infection. Which meant they needed a urine sample. She is not potty-trained, and she was straight up refusing to pee, so they needed to do a baby catheter.

I wanted to cry but I was a brave strong mama. (We were there alone due to family logistical reasons.) And Babystar was on my lap because I PROMISED. (Well actually she was between my legs but she knew she was on mama’s lap so that’s all that mattered.)

Do you know that if you take a young child to the ER they basically put them in a straight jacket? They hold baby’s arms by his or her side and wrap a sheet around baby’s entire torso. MY baby was screaming and fighting this whole situation, and they wanted ME to hold her arms inside this torture device. MY sweet baby wiggled her arms up and out, but not to rip off the sheet or push away the nurses. She just wanted to hold my hands.

Things were not going as smoothly at the other end of the gurney. The nurses cleaned and prepped her but holding her down for the catheter was not working at all. Babystar is strong like mom, y’all. She has a shirt that says so and everything. They had to go get another nurse to help hold down my little thirty pound kicking machine.

They tried.

It didn’t matter in the end.

She. Peed. Everywhere.

I have never been so happy to be soaked in baby pee. (She was on my lap, remember?)

And for those med students following along, since she was prepped, she was clean. A quick thinking nurse collected a sample for testing. Actually, I think they managed to get two vials and they probably could have gotten twenty. There was SO. MUCH. PEE.

She even peed on her head. I didn’t know that she peed on her head, so when the nurses left and I was cleaning her and changing her clothes and giving her a million kisses, I kissed her head. Right on the pee. It was gross. I didn’t care.

Hashtag momlife, right?

I got to wear awesome blue paper scrubs and pretend to be J.D.

We waited around for about thirty more minutes and Babystar was pronounced bacteria-free.

BOOM. $350.

We have been talking a lot about the potty the last couple of weeks. Babystar will be three in June, and she is showing all the textbooks signs that she is ready for the potty. She knows when she is peeing or pooping in her diaper (because she always tells me right before it happens so I can be ready to change her because “remember that time I had a rash and it hurt?”) She hasn’t had a wet diaper overnight in almost a year. She has the ability to hold it. Obviously. And she actually DID pee in the potty about two weeks ago. We made her a chart with stickers and did the pee pee dance and she got some chocolate candies and we did ALL THE THINGS.

But she hates it. She doesn’t want to use the potty and she tells us all the time. So I told her we would stop. And that while she was sick, she could have m&m’s every time she pees in her diaper. My sweet funny Babystar got so excited and said, “we don’t have to go on the potty train anymore?”

Did I just push her potty training back to age four? Probably.

Will she go to college in diapers? Maybe.

Am I the worst mom in the world? Nah.

RAISING BABYSTAR: $26,819.73

 

Oh, HELLOOOO, Tiny Smile.

Let’s talk about toothpaste. Yes. Toothpaste. Hello Toothpaste.

Babystar is incredibly discriminate about her toothbrushes and her toothpaste.

I owe a huge ‘thank you’ to Hello Products for including their toddler toothpaste in the gift bags at the Type-A Parent blogging conference last October.

We tried both the Apple and Watermelon flavor, and Babystar LOVES them. And now I can buy hippie toothpaste just like I always wanted.

hello toothpaste2

Before I tried the Hello toothpaste (that I honestly thought Babystar would reject based on our experience with the strawberry Tom’s of Maine children’s toothpaste), I bought a tube of Orajel My Little Pony toothpaste ($3.24). And I have purchased more of the only toothbrush she will accept, the Woobamboo brand ($6.88 with Amazon Prime).

The Hello tubes were free, and I have plenty left. But I’m excited to have a new brand that she loves that isn’t full of artificial colors and plastered with cartoon characters. Very. Excited.

I am easily excited.

RAISING BABYSTAR: $25,780.93

Plus a Flamingo.

And now for a tale of a teepee and a flamingo.

Anyone that has ever read this blog (THANK YOU FOR READING THIS BLOG!!) knows that I am mildly very much obsessed with Target.

So. The grandparents bought the adorable Pillowfort Gold Star Teepee for Babystar’s second birthday.

(If you are wondering, this teepee is HUGE. Which is super awesome if you have a playroom or you want a cute way to corral toys and give your kid a play area in your family room. It is less cool if you have a nursery the size of — well, the size of a teepee plus a changing table. Also, if you were wondering some more, the fabric is nice and thick like canvas. We loved it.)

Target has a 90-day return policy. On Day 103 of owning this teepee, a small child broke one of the thick dowel rods during a playdate. The child was aged two to five (we don’t really know who landed the kill shot). The manufacturer suggests this product for ages three and up. It should not have been broken so easily. Have they ever MET any kids age three and up??

To be fair, there was a knot in the wood where the dowel split, so it was likely weakened before the children started their Game of Destruction.

I took all of it to Target: the broken dowel, the non-broken dowels, the gold star fabric, a two-year-old child. And I asked for a new one. Or at least a new dowel.

The fine people at Target were AWESOME.

I had the receipt in an email (it was purchased online) so they knew I didn’t steal a giant teepee, break it, and try to pull a fast one. They couldn’t give me Target credit since it was past 90 days, but they DID totally break the rules and let me exchange the teepee.

But of course they didn’t have the gold star one in the store. And it HAD to be the gold star one. BabySTAR. Obvs.

So they gave me a brand new other-flavor teepee AND let me keep the gold star fabric from my old one.

And. AND. My receipt showed that the grandparents paid $89.99 but the teepee was currently selling for $79.99 so they couldn’t do the exchange unless I found ten more dollars worth of merchandise — but it had to be from the same department.

OH HAI MINGO! Babystar saw the pink flamingo and it was love at first sight. Mingo was a bit more than $10, so I paid $7.41 to exchange the teepee after the return window had passed AND bring home a new bff. Fair deal.

Mingo joins us on lots of adventures.

mingo1

mingo3

Um, plus I now have TWO teepees. I just need four dowel rods to make the second one. However, the teepees are giant, so I currently have ZERO teepees outside of a closet in the basement.

RAISING BABYSTAR: $23,224.17

Halloween Hangover.

November 1 is National Eat Your Child’s Candy Day and I can’t even play this year. Babystar started puking yesterday afternoon and didn’t stop until after midnight, like some sort of freshman sorority girl. No Trick-or-Treating for us.

So I guess her SEVENTH costume was the girl from The Exorcist. Man, she really committed.

My sweet Teenager brought Halloween inside to the sick ToddlerMonster by surrounding us with a glow stick, a couple of plastic pumpkins, and her Halloween balloon. And some chocolate but I ate it so fast I barely remember its existence. Babystar woke up once, looked around, and said ‘kitty.’ I put her new kitty jacket over her pajamas, put my kitty onesie on over my uniform yoga pants, and we went outside. She liked looking at the decorations and the trick-or-treaters (from a safe ten foot germ-free distance). After about fifteen minutes, she puked again. And back inside we went.

img_1968

We spent this morning at the doctor’s office. I actually already had an appointment because I am psychic except not really. The Teenager needed a physical for school and Babystar was meant to get her second installment of the Baby Flu Shot. I talked to the doctor during the Teenagers appointment and she told me to hold off on the flu shot and I didn’t need to worry since the baby was finally keeping fluids down and peeing. PLUS the nurse had already taken Babystar’s temperature in preparation for her shot so we knew that she didn’t have a fever.

They only charged me for the Teenager’s visit so I basically committed medical fraud.

AND I didn’t even remember to get my standard butterscotch flavored dumdum lollipop. Damn. The Universe does NOT want me to have candy today.

RAISING BABYSTAR: $12,974.80

Oh, hey, I’m gonna try to do this NaBloPoMo thing this year. One blog post per day in November. I don’t spend money every day so this should be interesting. Or incredibly boring. There is only one way to find out.

nablopomo_1116_badges_465x287

Is anyone else out there doing NaBloPoMo this year?

 

 

Hell is Costuming a Toddler.

I hereby announce my candidacy for President and this is my entire platform: I am calling for a ban on toddler Halloween costumes. Make Halloween Sane Again.

I totally planned ahead and everything. Over a week ago, I went to PartyCity and Partyland and Partyville and PartyHell and all of the Partys to find a Lion costume for Babystar.

(Do you know what is fun? Shopping in a crowded costume shop with an overstimulated, curious toddler racing down the aisles. Four stars.)

I could not find a single one in her size. I found a small lion costume and a big lion costume but not a Babystar-sized lion costume. I DID, however, buy some pieces to complete our genius family costume of ‘Lion, Tiger, and Bear, Oh My’. The Teenager was to be a tiger, and I found a tiger head hat, paws, and tail set for her. I was to be a bear. I could only find a panda bear mask but ok. I have black and white clothes. And we planned to make Husband a shirt that said ‘OH MY’. (My  brother said he should just dress like George Takei because my brother is hilarious but no one has time for all that.)

I also bought a lion mask because Babystar loved it (and in fact still loves it). She brings us all the mask and when we put it on, we have a little growl party. I spent $65.58 at the Party Store on tiger and panda pieces. And I can return none of it.*

And then I went home and ordered a lion costume from Amazon for $22.60, sized 12-18 months. Boom. Thanks, Amazon Prime.

Friday was my MOMS group Halloween party. It was only me and Babystar so I thought we would both just go as lions. I could wear the superfun mask and we could growl and laugh and growl and laugh and it would be fantastic. Nope. I couldn’t find the mask anywhere. Who knows where that ToddlerMonster hid it? But it didn’t even matter because she WOULD NOT wear her lion costume at all for anything no way fuck you.

Ok, fine. No problem, Babystar. I get it. You don’t want that big adorable mane on your head. I changed into my Batman t-shirt and found the Robin costume from the Superhero 5K last spring and it looked like it would still fit. It would have totally fit, except no way mom this polyester shit sucks and you can keep your stupid cape and I AM NOT WEARING THIS NOOOOOOOOOO.

Crap. The party was in three hours.

I noticed that Babystar was wearing her monster pajamas during all of this Costume Torture. And I saw one of her new monster slippers that she LOVED (post forthcoming). Mama had an idea. Mama is smart.

I looked for the other slipper for forty-five solid minutes. I texted the Teenager at school and the Husband at work. I emptied every ottoman and looked under all the furniture. I even had Babystar in on the game. Nope.

So I changed the baby into regular boring clothes and we went ‘bye-bye’ with two hours until party time.

My first stop was Carter’s and I hurriedly bought three options. I bought a pair of cotton pajamas with a skeleton on them and a pair of fleece pajamas with a monster face on them and a butterfly costume that I didn’t think she would wear but at least looked cute and comfortable. Everything was clearance, so I spent $28.39 on all three. One of these would work for the party, right?

(Are you keeping count? We are now at FIVE costumes options.)

But now what to do for the family thing on Saturday afternoon? And actual Halloween night? Off to Target we went.

I bought two adult sized cat onesies. (The Teenager already had one from two years ago that she wore to school on Halloween.) And they were miraculously all three different! I then found a fluffy kitty jacket in 2T that Babystar liked and actually put on in the store! Miracle! Plus she could wear it all year — it wasn’t a costume. That is the trick! (Or is it the treat?!) I bought her a pair of black leggings and BOOM. $64.48 later and we were a Family of Cats. A Pounce of Cats. A Nuisance of Cats.

So on Friday afternoon, she wore the skeleton pajamas to the MOMS Club party. I have no pictures because all she did was crawl up and down the stairs so we had to leave early. Of course.

On Saturday afternoon, we went ‘trick or treating’ at the Village of Shirlington near our house. She wore the black leggings with a black t-shirt (her 9:30 Club shirt turned inside out) and since it was actually quite surprisingly warm, she wore an adorable black furry vest with cat ears that was a hand-me-down from her cousin that I just found that morning on a shelf in her closet and ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

img_1912

She shared our pizza lunch after Trick or Treating on Saturday but I did buy her a Halloween balloon for $3.24 and it is her favorite thing in the world.img_1925-1

Tonight it will probably be chillier after dark so she will wear the same thing except with the long sleeve kitty jacket from Target.

Six costumes. SIX. Lion, Robin, skeleton, monster, butterfly, and kitty.

I fully intend to return the fleece pajamas and butterfly costume to Carter’s but I intend a lot of things. I tried to GIVE AWAY the lion costume and the Robin costume by posting on Facebook a few times since Friday’s costume meltdown fun new information about Babystar, but so far I’ve had no takers. Is everyone really so much more on top of this than me? Ugh. Probably.

Happy Halloween! Meow.

RAISING BABYSTAR: $12,974.80

*I returned some of the lion and panda things to PartyHell but of course I could only get store credit. The Teenager and I picked some family friendly (boring smiley) Halloween decorations and we got a tail for our smallest kitty. Maybe she will even wear it tonight!