Who wears short shorts?

We wear short shorts. If you dare wear short shorts, hit the Target Cat & Jack sale for short shorts.

Ok, I’m older than most #toddlermoms, but does anyone remember those Nair commercials? They were on before I even understood what Nair was, and it was apparently off the market before I needed to know. (Yeah, I know, shaving is a silly Western Beauty Ideal but I like having smooth legs. I don’t know if I would have enjoyed a magic chemical cream that probably burned like hell removing the hair from my legs, but I never even got the chance to find out.)

Anyway, the actual answer is Hooters Girls and toddlers. THAT’S who wears short shorts. And me when I’m at home on the farm. Or at the beach over my bathing suit.

I digress.

The temperature in Boulder, Colorado was over 85 degrees for TWO days in a row and silly me, I thought summer was here. It was Memorial Day weekend and everything — right on time.

I rushed out to Target (just kidding, I was already there because I live there) and bought some cute shorts for Babystar. This pair ($5.32) and this pair ($3.80) and this pair ($3.80) and this pair which look like regular denim but feel like buttah ($7.60) and this jumper ($7.59) because I am weak and it is adorable all toddler clothes were 20% off on Cartwheel. Plus just look at this jumper and imagine a giant heart-eyes emoji wearing it because that would totally fit.

rainbow jumper looking at clouds.jpg

(Does anyone know how to work Cartwheel? I know I’m missing deals and I hate missing deals and someone said you have to scan everything before the cashier scans everything but what if you use self-checkout, do you have to scan everything in your phone and then on the beepy thing??? If you have explained this somewhere on the internet, please drop a link below. And if you have not explained this somewhere on the internet, could you please? Thank you!)

This was one of the miracle times when I actually figured out how to work Cartwheel and I got the discount!! YAY! Plus I got an additional 5% off by using my Target card. Yep, I got a Target card. It king of seems like a bad idea for me, doesn’t it? I agree. However, the credit limit is reasonable so I can’t lose track and I SAVE FIVE PERCENT off everything. Highly recommend. I especially love the extra time for returns because I never remember anything in time. Yes, this is for sure an ad but I’m telling you because I love you.

But like, I’m serious about needing that Cartwheel tutorial.

RAISING BABYSTAR: $28,465.40

Also I just found a box in the basement labeled ‘3T Summer’ and I’m pretty sure those aren’t mine so whoops.

PROTIP: look in the basement/attic/older cousin’s closet before you buy more stuff. But if you forget, forgive yourself, because I’m sure you were busy remembering what shape the apple slices are supposed to be this week and which plastic dinosaur is Lulu and which one is Peeko and which one is Teetee. Peeko is starting to get her (his?) feelings hurt, MOMMY!!

She calls them dandy-blows.

Toddler malapropisms are just the best, right?

Please share your favorites with the class in the comments.

Babystar says actually instead of accidentally. So we hear a lot of ‘I actually dropped my crayon!’ and ‘I actually bumped my leg!’ Like she simply cannot believe what is happening. It is adorable and hilarious.

She has also learned the phrase ‘pretty sure’ but she uses it to mean ‘absolutely sure’. As in, ‘I’m sure I will share my sand toys with the other children. I’m pretty sure.’

(But she is actually speaking the truth because no one can ever be sure AT ALL that Babystar will share her sand toys.)

Babystar calls dandelions dandy-blows once they have turned to seed.

Tbh her word makes much more sense and I’d like to petition to have the name officially changed. Who is in charge of naming flowers please?

dandyblow4

This H&M dress was $7.99. This picture is priceless.

RAISING BABYSTAR: $28,437.29

The Artist at Work.

Can I pretend my baby is a sea otter?

Hear me out.

Babystar is an artist. She is really feeling the modern art these days and is totally digging the whole minimalism-one-single-blue-line-on-a field-of yellow-construction-paper look. Or she may add a few circles. But not, like, the basic round circles of the bourgeois. Her circles don’t close. Or they loop around three or four times, expressing themselves.

One time she accidentally made a triangle.

I am sure she is making really interesting statements about society and the rate at which we dole out snacks. Or something.

Also, she can only work with broken crayons.

Once. She can use the broken crayon once but then never again.

She is almost certainly making really interesting artistic statements about society and our insistence that she wear sunscreen.

ANYWAY. This minimalist inclination of hers has got me going through paper like whoa. Paper doesn’t grow on trees, you know. Well, it kind of does, in a way, but you take my point.

While Babystar’s work isn’t great for a human, it is excellent for a sea otter. What I want here is permission to completely misrepresent her work as being done by a sea otter and then sell it on Etsy. I will even split the proceeds with an actual sea otter. Does anyone know a sea otter?

No? Ok, fine.

I bought the Ikea easel ($19.99) to try to stop the paper flow. You know the one: one side is a chalkboard and the other is dry erase.

Ikea easel

Thankfully, Babystar LOVES the chalk medium. She covers the entire chalkboard with a rainbow of colors. The easel distracts from the crayons and markers for at least ten whole minute every day. So I figure I’m saving thousands of trees.

Also purchased in the interest of supporting the arts: Ikea roll of paper ($9.98), Ikea table top paper holder ($7.99), chalk ($2.97), dry-erase pens ($5.98), smock that is already lost ($4.99), 96-pack of crayons ($4.99), drawing pads ($2.19×7), watercolor pad ($3.99), canvas ($24).

PROTIP: For amazing grandparent/godparent/whomever gifts, give the kid canvas after canvas but only TWO primary paint colors. And some of the colors in between. Like blue-purple-pink-red. Or yellow-orange-pink-red. You get it. Be on standby to change out the canvases like a toddler assembly line and voila: gifts for a year.

RAISING BABYSTAR: $28,429.30

 

All the way to Santa Fe.

The girls and I took an impromptu road trip to Santa Fe. I wanted to see some more of the Mountain Time Zone, Princess Buttercup wasn’t doing anything else, and Babystar goes where mama goes.

Also, I had finally unpacked THE LAST BOX and I needed to gtfo. It was either leave all the stuff I just unpacked behind and start a new life in Mexico or take a small weekend escape. I made the responsible choice. But maybe not the best one tbh.

Our first stop was Dinosaur Ridge ($18) in Morrison, Colorado. Did you know that the first Stegosaurus skeleton was found there? And did you know that the Stegosaurus on Dinosaur Train is named MORRIS the Stegosaurus? Coincidence? Maybe.

If you have a little dinosaur lover (or a big dinosaur lover), go here now. Babystar touched dinosaur bones and climbed in dinosaur footprints and then dug for legit FOSSILS in a sandbox. She got to keep one as long as she buried the others. The friendly volunteers stock the sand with teeth, shells, and ammonites like trout in a lake and Babystar LOVED it. I mean, it was her two favorite things: dinosaurs and sand. She did not want to leave.

But we did finally leave, after buying her a new friend named Parasaurolophus ($6.99).

We then drove south. Guess what we found in Southern Colorado and Northern New Mexico between Denver and Santa Fe?!?!?!  NOTHING! There are no people. There are only aliens.

Ok, there are some people but mostly there is otherworldly landscape. (I was driving so there aren’t any pictures but just imagine a place where aliens might choose to land because it feels most like home to them.) It was really quite beautiful, if a bit weird for these east coast girls aspiring to be mountain girls. I mean, we drove hundreds of miles without passing a Starbucks. And Princess Buttercup saw either a bear or a moose. (Her vision is not great.)

PROTIP: If you are so over momming that you need to G-E-T-O-U-T, but you of course have a toddler along for the ride, go to as many children’s museums as you can find. You can take a step back from your regular life, drink all the fancy coffee you can find, AND get mom-of-the-year points. Win-win-win.

We visited the Santa Fe Children’s Museum ($20). Highly recommend. The outside space is just as big as the indoor space. And BONUS – the water play feature was under construction as in NOT WORKING. (Yes, I consider that a good thing!)

 

We also visited Buell Children’s Museum ($16) in Pueblo, CO. This museum is big on crafts. If you love crafts, you’ll love this museum. There are other cool things too, like a toddler room with a sort of farm theme, a magnetic ‘fishing’ pond, a pirate ship, a room of giant blocks, and a dress up station. Though I understand they are switching the Pirate Theme soon so your mileage may vary. I suspect they will still have TONS OF CRAFTS. Like, they had a craft room bigger than our old townhouse AND they had craft stations every ten inches throughout the museum.

 

It was a pretty cheap road trip: we did a lot of just walking around and looking at stuff. We also mostly brought toddler-approved road snacks and shared our restaurant food (and free hotel breakfasts) with Babystar, but I did spend a little on food and ice cream:  $6.99, $4.49, and $3.99. We also popped in to the Georgia O’Keefe museum and the Taos Pueblo but those were for me (and anyway she was free).

Oh, and I did buy her the Satin and Chenille Trolls ($14.99) on this trip because I am a sucker. And some apples ($2.99), because I am a REALLY good mom.

RAISING BABYSTAR: $28,329.09

I’m never paying retail again.

Just kidding! We all know that I can’t stop won’t stop with the Target runs. And if I’m not ordering random things on Amazon at 2am, AM I EVEN LIVING?

But still. If I had a Time Machine right now this minute, I would hop back to my pregnancy, get out of bed early, and get myself to a consignment sale. WHY did I pay retail for so many things?!?

I’m certain there were consignment sales in Virginia. There must have been, right? I vaguely remember some Facebook posts about consignment sales, but they always seemed to happen at seven o clock in the morning.

7am people are not my people. My bad. 7am EASTERN STANDARD TIME people are not my people. Something about the Colorado sun (or the lack of black-out curtains or the lure of a quiet early morning farmhouse) has me waking up at six these days.

I cherish the ability to wash my face before my family starts asking me hard questions like do we have any pears. My coffee tastes better when I drink it before anyone else wakes up. I adore the sound of birds chirping in the morning sun.

I do NOT love the sound of the stupid robin that attacks his reflection in my bathroom window from sunrise to noon every single damn day. Has anyone effectively deterred a dumb bird?? Please advise.

Wait. What was I talking about?

Consignment sales. I love them. Colorado seems to love them. But there are Consignment Sale Rules to consider. Behold.

Consignment sale number one: the Just Between Friends Sale in Longmont, Colorado. This was a four-day sale and I went at noon on the third day. Like a freaking rookie. I bought a Radio Flyer wagon, a bunch of Fisher Price toys, an adorable unicorn sweatshirt (with a horn on the hood!!), a pair of leggings, and a Gymboree shirt. $110. Remember when I thought that was a good deal?

jbf sale haul

Consignment sale number two: the Boulder County Kids Sale, hosted by the Boulder County Moms of Multiples, and affectionately known as the ‘Twins Sale.’ This sale is open to the public for only one day. I did not buy an early shopping pass for $15 but I will next time. Someone bought an American Girl for TWO DOLLARS. I saw it with my own eyes. They were the first person in the door, of course. But still. I did shop as soon as I could, and I got some really cool things. And then I also came back to shop the first minute of the last hour, when many things were half price! All together, I spent $112.50 for a big-wheel-esqe tricycle, a stuffed dinosaur, a Stella doll, a Worry Eater stuffed monster, a Care Bear, a pink plastic bento box, a dinosaur Skip Hop punchbag, two reusable Skip Hop snack bags, a bunch of books, a Fisher Price airport, and some clothes.

twins sale haul

I saw amazing deals on all kinds of baby stuff. Like, bouncy seats for ten bucks and pajamas for one dollar. Cloth diapers for two dollars. I almost cried.

So here are my CONSIGNMENT COMANDMENTS.

  • Thou shall purchase the Early Bird pass. You just might score an American Girl for two dollars. I’m not bitter.
  • Thou shall arrive early. Be that person waiting at the locked door with a cup of coffee and three shopping bags. Did I mention that you might find an American Girl for two dollars??
  • Do a quick sweep through the toys and the ‘other’ section and scoop up anything that you might want to purchase. Then do a slower sweep through the books and clothes. Sort afterwards. (But put the stuff back pretty quickly because, come on, don’t be a jerk.)
  • Come back at the sale’s end when prices are slashed. A Fisher Price airport that you don’t need for ten dollars becomes a much better deal at five dollars.
  • If you know how to stop a robin from pecking at my window every single stupid morning, tell me. Please.

 

RAISING BABYSTAR: $28,234.15