Calling All Dorks: There Will Be Blood

I have always wanted to be a DOODLE. Dreams CAN come true!!
For real tho, Erika is hilarious. Definitely check out this blog if you have not already.

Dorky Mom Doodles

If you’ve ever spent any amount of time with a toddler, then you know that they’re prone to having…I would call them “outbursts,” but “shitfits” has a much nicer ring to it, so let’s go with that. Toddlers have shitfits over just about everything. Food too cold? Shitfit. Shoes not the right color? Shitfit. You gave them exactly what they wanted the first time they asked? Shitfit.

Sometimes these little outbursts are understandable — not getting fed on time would make just about anyone cranky — and other times they leave us scratching our heads. Today’s Calling All Dorks story comes from Darlene, who writes at Baby Costs Money, and her toddler’s outburst definitely left her a bit bewildered.

Last night at bedtime, I was sitting on the bed with the ToddlerMonster and I mindlessly scratched my knee. I had cut myself shaving earlier that day, so when I…

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Taxes.

I have decided not to consider or ‘subtract’ the child tax credit because that is waaaay too much math. (Since it’s not a straight deduction from our tax bill — or is it? I don’t even understand it really.) Also, any tax credit credit IN NO WAY covers the cost of raising a child. And definitely not this privileged little middle-class Babystar in our privileged pocket of America. But mostly because we literally never get a tax return. We always always always have to pay. How much or how little depends on the year, but there is no refund headed our way.

So that is why. If you were wondering.

Also regarding taxes: Sometimes I add in the sales tax when adding up Babystar’s total and sometimes I don’t. Quite honestly, it really depends on how easy it is to add the tax to the total. I save receipts, and I have a giant list on my phone of what we purchase for Babystar. If it is an Abby’s Lane email receipt for a Babystar purchase, I’ll add the total including tax. If it is a Target receipt with a bunch of other non-Babystar items, I’m not adding the sales tax. (I am definitely not asking the cashier to ring Babystar’s items separately so I can be more accurate, like I would if this bloggy experiment were an actual job. But now that I type this, maybe I should. It would definitely make my receipt pile smaller and more accurate.)

Just if you were wondering.

RAISING BABYSTAR: $16,003.94

Toddlers Be Like.

Toddlers be like, Oh Hey Ma, you just cleaned the kitchen. I’ll fix it while you take 43 seconds to pee and speed wash your hands nbd.

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Cool, now please make me an egg. (With the sign language please and everything so I just die and do it and clean it all over again someone help I think I have Stockholm Syndrome.)

RAISING BABYSTAR: $13,235.18

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Busboys and Birthdays and Bees, Oh My.

Babystar loooooves outings. She is basically a puppy. If you tell her she’s going ‘bye-bye’ she immediately jumps up and starts panting and wagging her tail. Just kidding. She runs to find her shoes and sits on the first step which is apparently her Official Shoe Step and yells and points at grown-ups until someone helps her get her shoes on.

Even if she isn’t yet wearing pants.

We have had a lot of fun outings over the last few weeks. The parks are free. (THANK GOODNESS THE PARKS ARE FREE. Or more accurately, thank you Arlington County’s liberal public works tax spending, the parks are free.) But not everything is free.

We went to Busy Bees twice recently — once with cousin V and once without. Babystar loves Busy Bees but I do not love paying $15 a pop now that she has turned one. We go much less than before, of course, but she is playing in more areas and getting braver, probably because her 3yo cousin is a little trailblazer.

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We also saw Culture Queen at Busboys & Poets, which in theory is only $5 per kid. So $5. But their sweet potato pancakes are amazing and I ordered them with eggs and turkey sausage and a vanilla latte AND Babystar made a royal mess (because she is a Tower of Royal Power) so I tipped the poor server that got stuck in the kiddie room $10 so that morning’s total was $44.70. Worth it. It’s only once in awhile and did I mention that the sweet potato pancakes are SO FREAKING GOOD?

Finally, we attended a birthday party! Babystar’s first invitation. The party was adorably pumpkin-themed and the kids each got to choose and decorate a mini-pumpkin. So clever. So cute. So Babystar ignored all of that and mowed the grass instead. It was a toy lawn mower, at least. She was not into the party or the kids at all. She did enjoy a fruit skewer before getting tired and we sadly left before any cake and before the 1yo Party Girl opened her presents. We brought her sensory balls. I hope she likes them.

 

RAISING BABYSTAR: $12,387.09

Buried Treasure.

You know that Thing where you finally clean out a closet because the College Boy is coming home from school for the summer and you find boxes of baby clothes labeled 6-12 months and 12-18 months that you totally forgot about and whoops the baby already grew out of some of these and then you get mad at yourself because you literally JUST BOUGHT more clothes and then you forgive yourself because you were so very sleep deprived when you packed these up last year?

Yeah, that just happened.

Babystar’s summer wardrobe is set. Her drawers are bursting. Hashtag blessed.

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RAISING BABYSTAR: $7,797.39