I hereby announce my candidacy for President and this is my entire platform: I am calling for a ban on toddler Halloween costumes. Make Halloween Sane Again.

I totally planned ahead and everything. Over a week ago, I went to PartyCity and Partyland and Partyville and PartyHell and all of the Partys to find a Lion costume for Babystar.

(Do you know what is fun? Shopping in a crowded costume shop with an overstimulated, curious toddler racing down the aisles. Four stars.)

I could not find a single one in her size. I found a small lion costume and a big lion costume but not a Babystar-sized lion costume. I DID, however, buy some pieces to complete our genius family costume of ‘Lion, Tiger, and Bear, Oh My’. The Teenager was to be a tiger, and I found a tiger head hat, paws, and tail set for her. I was to be a bear. I could only find a panda bear mask but ok. I have black and white clothes. And we planned to make Husband a shirt that said ‘OH MY’. (My  brother said he should just dress like George Takei because my brother is hilarious but no one has time for all that.)

I also bought a lion mask because Babystar loved it (and in fact still loves it). She brings us all the mask and when we put it on, we have a little growl party. I spent $65.58 at the Party Store on tiger and panda pieces. And I can return none of it.*

And then I went home and ordered a lion costume from Amazon for $22.60, sized 12-18 months. Boom. Thanks, Amazon Prime.

Friday was my MOMS group Halloween party. It was only me and Babystar so I thought we would both just go as lions. I could wear the superfun mask and we could growl and laugh and growl and laugh and it would be fantastic. Nope. I couldn’t find the mask anywhere. Who knows where that ToddlerMonster hid it? But it didn’t even matter because she WOULD NOT wear her lion costume at all for anything no way fuck you.

Ok, fine. No problem, Babystar. I get it. You don’t want that big adorable mane on your head. I changed into my Batman t-shirt and found the Robin costume from the Superhero 5K last spring and it looked like it would still fit. It would have totally fit, except no way mom this polyester shit sucks and you can keep your stupid cape and I AM NOT WEARING THIS NOOOOOOOOOO.

Crap. The party was in three hours.

I noticed that Babystar was wearing her monster pajamas during all of this Costume Torture. And I saw one of her new monster slippers that she LOVED (post forthcoming). Mama had an idea. Mama is smart.

I looked for the other slipper for forty-five solid minutes. I texted the Teenager at school and the Husband at work. I emptied every ottoman and looked under all the furniture. I even had Babystar in on the game. Nope.

So I changed the baby into regular boring clothes and we went ‘bye-bye’ with two hours until party time.

My first stop was Carter’s and I hurriedly bought three options. I bought a pair of cotton pajamas with a skeleton on them and a pair of fleece pajamas with a monster face on them and a butterfly costume that I didn’t think she would wear but at least looked cute and comfortable. Everything was clearance, so I spent $28.39 on all three. One of these would work for the party, right?

(Are you keeping count? We are now at FIVE costumes options.)

But now what to do for the family thing on Saturday afternoon? And actual Halloween night? Off to Target we went.

I bought two adult sized cat onesies. (The Teenager already had one from two years ago that she wore to school on Halloween.) And they were miraculously all three different! I then found a fluffy kitty jacket in 2T that Babystar liked and actually put on in the store! Miracle! Plus she could wear it all year — it wasn’t a costume. That is the trick! (Or is it the treat?!) I bought her a pair of black leggings and BOOM. $64.48 later and we were a Family of Cats. A Pounce of Cats. A Nuisance of Cats.

So on Friday afternoon, she wore the skeleton pajamas to the MOMS Club party. I have no pictures because all she did was crawl up and down the stairs so we had to leave early. Of course.

On Saturday afternoon, we went ‘trick or treating’ at the Village of Shirlington near our house. She wore the black leggings with a black t-shirt (her 9:30 Club shirt turned inside out) and since it was actually quite surprisingly warm, she wore an adorable black furry vest with cat ears that was a hand-me-down from her cousin that I just found that morning on a shelf in her closet and ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

She shared our pizza lunch after Trick or Treating on Saturday but I did buy her a Halloween balloon for $3.24 and it is her favorite thing in the world.

Tonight it will probably be chillier after dark so she will wear the same thing except with the long sleeve kitty jacket from Target.

Six costumes. SIX. Lion, Robin, skeleton, monster, butterfly, and kitty.

I fully intend to return the fleece pajamas and butterfly costume to Carter’s but I intend a lot of things. I tried to GIVE AWAY the lion costume and the Robin costume by posting on Facebook a few times since Friday’s costume meltdown fun new information about Babystar, but so far I’ve had no takers. Is everyone really so much more on top of this than me? Ugh. Probably.

Happy Halloween! Meow.

RAISING BABYSTAR: $12,974.80

*I returned some of the lion and panda things to PartyHell but of course I could only get store credit. The Teenager and I picked some family friendly (boring smiley) Halloween decorations and we got a tail for our smallest kitty. Maybe she will even wear it tonight!